Bonita always says, "CR we love your politics, music, and stuff....but our readers want to know about the real Crown Royal, the lover...." And truthfully, I've attempted to publish my fair share of blogs about the more personal things that swirl around inside my head. But alas, they always end up as eternal drafts. But I'm determined for this one to see the light of day - if for no other reason, than to say "I told you I would" to Bonita. Heeeere we go....
Moment of Truth#1: Hi, my name is Crown Royal, and I have a problem....
I'm a mellow kinda gal, with a very casual approach to life. It takes a lot to piss me off. A lot. I've dealt with liars, cheaters, back-stabbing friends, failed relationships...the whole nine. But through all my college years (you know, those years when you really learn who you are), I've managed to flip out...like twice. Two whole times. For the most part, I had a kind of 'whatever' attitude towards the things life has thrown my way. If I had a motto, it would probably be "Meh...it is what it is." Sounds cool right? To go through life not being a certified psycho? Meh...it is what it is (lol). I've come to realize my demeanor, although casual in origin, is nothing more than a defense mechanism, and the jury is still out on whether its a good or bad thing. The bottom line is that this mellow exterior makes it difficult for me to express sincere and true emotion.
Moment of Truth #2: Objects in mirror are NOT how they appear.
I guess the best way to explain what this all means, is through looking at a recent experience....
When things went sour in my last relationship, I felt like I had lost everything I had come to be secure in. There is nothing like working through the termination of a long-term relationship, to test your emotional strength, sanity, patience and character. In the eight months it took me to get over my ex, (yes I said eight months...it took that long, whether you believe it or not) I learned a lot about myself, and my growth as a woman. My first epiphany was that my collected, nonchalance and composure was a defense mechanism (see Moment of Truth #1). I've always known I have a real problem expressing my truest emotions. Not walking around saying people do, but I really couldn't deal with being hurt. I've basically gone throughout my relationships risking just enough to be invested, but not enough to get hurt.
All of that changed, with my last relationship. Every wall I had spent 21 years building was torn down. Every safeguard dismantled. So when it ended I was a mess. But very, very, very, very few people knew - like 2. I didn't even have the heart to tell some of my closest friends about what I was feeling. Everyone else really had no idea what I was going through, what I was dealing with because in the face of appearing emotionally weak or vulnerable, I managed to force out my mild mannered motto. Besides, with my involvement in other ventures, I absolutely refused to be the girl that couldn't put her emotions aside to get work done, or the girl that brought her drama wherever she went.
But pretty soon, my motto stopped working. I mean it worked externally, but internally I was a mess. By stifling my emotions, they poured out in other ways, that were completely uncharacteristic. I teetered along that borderline of crazy for a second. I did things that I criticized immature, insecure, psychobitches for doing. But the time finally came, when I had to finally face my fears - expressing my emotions.I had to be okay with feeling lonely. I grew to accept that it was okay to cry (alone - we aren't even talking about in front of people yet). Once I got over the initial embarrassment of shedding a few tears, I began to open up and be real with myself, about exactly what I was feeling. I wrote my truest thoughts, and feelings in a small journal. Opening up, releasing this burden I felt pressured to bear alone, suddenly made each subsequent day easier to face. I began to slowly build the confidence to know that it was okay to be unguarded, and it was okay to feel. I didn't always have to push my motto so hard.
Moment of Truth #3: Each Day Gets Better....
As the 'one year later' mark approaches, I can honestly say that I feel good. I'm free to do what I want, and not bound by any unresolved emotions, bad blood, or desperation. My easygoing nature has returned, but not as a defense mechanism. I can honestly say this is truly who I am, without having to safeguard anything. In rediscovering that 23 isn't exactly as old as I thought it was, I've resolved to take full advantage of my youth, and do whatever I want, while I can. I don't have kids. And for the most part, I don't have any real responsibilities. These are years I can't pause or get a refund on. So I'm determined to have fun with them. Dating and relationships are even fun now. I'm not looking to replace anything, or fill a void in my life, because I'm happy being me. It may sound cliche, but you've gotta know how to make you happy, before anyone else can. I'm glad I learned that.
If you take nothing else from this blog, at least remember this: don't allow yourself to be bound by maintaining a certain image, or modify your behavior to be something you aren't. The greatest disservice you can do to yourself is hinging your happiness, or self satisfaction on that of someone else. Sorry if I sound a little preachy, but it's the truth. You won't understand how true it is, until you are forced to learn it.
Crown Royal is On Ice - she's not cold, but definitely chillin.
P.S. Bonita - I told you I would :)
1 comment:
Hmmm...this post brings back some memories of dealing with the failure of my last relationship and everything I went through in the process of getting over it. Even though it was bad (and I mean really bad), I thank God that he allowed me to experience it. It definitely made me stronger.
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