...And I Wonder, Do You Know, What it Means, to Find Your Dreams?...

"I been waitin' on this my whole life,
These dreams be wakin' me up at night..."
- Kanye West, I Wonder
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As September settles in and the summer fades away, I can't help but feel a little restless, and a little lost. Most of my friends that are my age are either already in grad school, working on PhD's, or launching amazing careers in their respective fields. Yet here I am, sitting at the crossroads like Bone Thugs N Harmony.

How many of us really know what we want out of life? Put your hand down, silly - I'm not talking about a nice home, a nice car, and financial stability - we all want that. Many of us find ourselves meandering through college because it's the game we have to play to position ourselves to be successful in this society. Some of us take it a step further, and get to college and pursue degrees in fields we force ourselves to feign an interest in, slaving toward material dreams of six figure salaries and cars we can't quite properly pronounce. And my heart goes out to friends I know that have had their academic passion smoldered by overbearing parents with unfulfilled dreams.

Earlier this week, I was challenged by a friend to sit down and think about my life. Despite my 'been there, done that, I've had fifty-leven counselors, goal grids, and plans of actions' attitude, he forged ahead and asked me some "critical questions": What is it that I really want? What are my goals? What am I passionate about? I answered that ish on autopilot - c'mon dude, how many times have I been asked that? Really?!?!
"I'm passionate about education. I love working with students. I want to teach, and help level the playing field in this f*cked up K-12 system we've got going here."
"And that makes you feel good, right?"
"Absolutely."
"Of course it does. Who doesn't feel good about helping people that need it? I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but sit down and think about what you truly love, what you truly enjoy, and the talents God gave you. Maybe that's your path, maybe its not. All I'm sayin' is just think."

I'm hardheaded and stubborn, and I absolutely hate being told what to do, or being questioned, and even worse, I'm a terrible listener. But sometimes, I'm able to just surrender, and not be so defensive. I figured this would be a good time for that. So I did - I sat down and reflected on all the things I've ever wanted to do: marine biology, environmental science, music/entertainment PR, physical therapy, music journalism, english teacher, entertainment lawyer, policy legislator, bartender. I'm a visual person, so writing everything out helped me see a clear stream of thought amidst this mess. I couldn't help but notice the repetition and overlap in certain areas. Music. Entertainment. Journalism. English. Wait - what's this about?

I traversed my memory through every year of my undergraduate career, and I picked up on the fact that the bug to do something musical bit me about every year or so. I remember really wanting to act on it, but I couldn't fathom stepping outside my comfort zone. Why risk it? I already know what I need to do to teach. I see the path to public policy. I know how to organize people. I can't do this music stuff - I got students to work with, classes to take, and programs to run. I don't even know if I'd be any good, anyway. I gave myself more excuses about that then why I haven't been to the gym in three weeks.

"it wasn't the right time. You weren't ready. God has a time for everything." (Thanks, Bonita)

Settling back into my September slump, I take stock of my situation. I've got two degrees, and a resume completely in no way, shape, or form related to this dream of mine. The old Crown Royal would be hesitant, and ready to fire off another round of excuses. But not this time. I'm ready.

I can't remember the last time I was this excited about anything. I know I've never been so thrilled about something so uncertain.

"...And I wonder, do you know
What it means,
To find your dreams...."

I know what it means...do you?

-- Crown Royal On Ice --
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Crown Royal is now currently pursuing a career in music journalism and public relations. Her website, SprayPaint 'n InkPens will be up and running soon. Keep it locked for more details.