I'm always lookin' out for my folks, especially when it comes to new/hot/fresh/dope ish. And keeping in that tradition, I wouldn't feel right if I didn't hit ya'll with a preview of Sarah Palin's newest book: Debating For Dummies. She wrote it all by herself, right before tonight's Vice Presidential Debate. She boasts that it's her kinda book - where she may not get the chapters right, but she's writing straight for us, the American people out there that want answers. DFD is slated to hit major book stores right before the Presidential Debate on October 7th. Hopefully McCain can use some of the tactics she employed to win us all over.
Chapter 1: Wink Like There's No Tomorrow
That’s right – wink like you’re party depends on it, because actually, they do! Sure, it undermines and in some ways hypersexualizes you as a woman but hey! Who cares? You don't care about silly things like credibility and respect - you're a Washington outsider! Do away with those zany preconceived stuffy notions that a debate is a serious medium that millions of Americans will watch in an effort to determine who’s best to guide their next 4 years in this country. Wink away!!!
Chapter 2: Buzzwords, Buzzwords, Buzzwords!
Maverick. Partisanship. Nuclear Proliferation. Job Creation. Sure, you probably can’t spell them, and you have even less of a clue about what they mean, but that doesn’t matter! Tell ‘em you’re depends-donning running mate is a maverick – don’t worry, Katie Couric isn’t there to ask you why. So what if you can’t even say NU-CLE-AR right – you’re just a regular Joe six-pack that had to go to about six different colleges before you finished your degree in Journalism! What do they expect from you? Good thing 'straight talk express' isn't your catch phrase. Be sure to tell 'em that you're all about nuclear proliferation here for the hardworking people of America, and determined to make sure there's no job creation for those awful terrorists and dictators over there in Afghanirakistan. Oh phooey, switch that around. Or wait - which one is it? Phone a friend. Tina Fey had the right idea.
Chapter 3: Jab First, Answer Question…Never.
What better way to answer a question than to come out swinging?!? Be crass. Show ‘em that you can hang with the big boys. “Keep it real”, as some would say. Screw it – don’t even answer the question. And if they try to call you on it (like that bee-yotch Katie Couric did, or that punk Mr. Charlie) – accuse the Senator of being sexist, and the Moderator of playing favorites. Yea that’s right – you’re the Governor of the big bad state of Alaska – and you don’t gotta take shit from no one - Russia included. Keep up that winking!!!
Chapter 4: If You Don’t Know It – Change the Subject
Still feeling the pressure to answer those question-thingies? Well don't worry, I've got the solution right here! Change the subject! It's not so hard; when Miss-I’m-So-Cool-Because-I'm-Black-and-a-Black-Man-is-Running-for-President-and-I-Wrote-a-Book-on-Him Moderator asks you a tough question about the economic crisis, talk about energy! Drill, baby, drill! Oh – don’t forget to drill baby drill into people's heads that Alaska is an energy producing state, with tons of oil and natural gas. The American people will want to hear that about 50 or so times. And when they ask you about exit strategies from Iraq – just make up some shit! Talk about North Korea, and how your son just got deployed! And if they dare ask you about taking over as President if you win (which you won't) and McCain dies (which he….yeah), talk about education! Dig deep! And if all else fails – talk about your family! Tractor, Igloo, Icerod, and little Rifle! Hell – bring ‘em on stage if it helps! And don’t forget those buzzwords!
Chapter 5: Give Shoutouts.
You know you’re having a time getting those Black folks to vote Republican. Damn that Senator Obama and Senator Obiden. Maaaybe, just maaaybe you can appeal to them by doing something they're notorious for – no, not dancing. No, not rapping either. But you’re close. Give shoutouts!!! That’s right. Smack dab in the middle of a question you’re not answering, riiiight about when you start bringing up your family for the 8th time, say: “I’d like to give a shout out to all the kids in my hood – SP love da kids! Oh, and don’t forget my fam, and the homies behind the walls – the ice walls!” That’ll get you the street cred you need. Sure you’ll make an absolute fool out of yourself, but that’s nothing you're foreign to!
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Still feel like you’re in over you're head? You should. After all, you’ve demonstrated on more than one occasion that you have no idea what you’re talking about, and really have no firm grasp on anything besides your hunting gun and your Bible. But that’s okay, because you're a Joe six-pack maverick Washington outsider hockey mom. And that’s what the people really need – sub par intellectual capability, a world view that traverses the expanse of the narrow maritime border between Alaska and Russia, and a candidate who can’t quite explain what the job entails! You're on your way to the top!
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Crown Royal's Final Thought:
At the end of the day, I don’t want Joe-six pack (or Caribou Barbie, as one of my friends calls her), sitting in that seat of power. If the average person has the faculties to run a country, I’ll run in 2012, because that means I'm OVERqualified. At the end of the day, I want extreme competence, intellectual superiority, and common sense making decisions that will affect me for the next 4 years. I want my President, my VP, my whoever – to wake up in the morning, and piss excellence. America has a lot of problems – and I need to be confident that the leadership's solutions are better than mine.
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